Vale Bootiful Bernard, Ave Oosless Marco Pierre

I just read that Bernard Matthews, he of the bootiful turkeys, has died. Which is sad. He seemed like a nice fellow. For a millionaire turkey freak.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/nov/26/bernard-matthews-turkey-tycoon-dies

Be that as it may, in the same article I discover that "chef" Marco Pierre White has whored himself to Matthews Farms as an ambassador. Whatever that means.

White has form on this - last year he put his name to some brand of revolting pre-made chicken stock (what is it with him and mass-reared poultry? Was he abused by a battery hen in his formative years?), taking the whole concept of celebrity endorsement to new levels of cynicism.

Presumably he thinks the food-eating British public is stupid. To be fair, given the crap that most people are happy to eat, he has a point. But that doesn't make it right for him to duplicitously promote more crap by pretending it's good. Contrast White's craven money-grubbing hypocrisy with St Jamie's tireless efforts to get the collective english bowel moving. Jamie might be irritating, but his heart seems to be in the right place. Likewise the chipper Whittingstall and his constant banging on about fresh, natural food. How come these guys can make zillions promoting proper quality while White has to flog slop? Is it because White is a mediocrity who has nothing to offer but a now largely discredited reputation?

Since he's prepared to spruik this rubbish to the public, one can only assume he insists on his kitchens using instant stock and turkey twizzlers in his chain of restaurants.

No wonder the reviews have been universally bad.

Here at Fibb, Porcquian Croque Advertising, there's a sign in the lav explaining, with dreary utilitarian NHS style illustrations, how to wash our hands.

Apparently, here's how you do it:

Wet

Soap

Wash

Rinse

Turn off tap

Dry

For further detail, see the following diagram:

Are we clear now?

The five step program to washing your hands. How to navigate the complex and difficult journey from soiled hands to spotless, blameless hands, with illustrated step-by-step instructions to keep your hands fresh, fragrant and germ-free.

The average age here at FBC is around 29, I think. (And yes, they do all call me gramps). Most of us have a degree, some even in a worthwhile discipline. Some of us have travelled the world, raised children, acquired property and paid the contingent mortgages. We drive cars and ride bicycles (without training wheels); we handle sharp knives in our kitchens.  One misguided fool even serves on his parish council, but not with a sharp knife.

I’ve asked around, and so far as I can gather, everyone here knows how to wash their hands.

When did they start putting these signs up? Who makes them? Has someone discovered that the reason why some people don’t wash their hands after they go to the lav is that they don’t know how?

Come to think of it, why are there also signs next to the hot tap at the washbasins – big, bright yellow signs, you can’t miss them. “CAUTION. HOT”.   Again, I did the research, and it turns out that not a single person in the agency has given themselves an ouchie from a hot tap in recent years. Is this a sign that the signs are doing their job?

 Should there not, by the same logic, also be a sign saying “Do Not Drown”? And another by the door saying: “to avoid injury, please ensure your fingers are clear of the door jamb before closing”? “Caution: hard floor surface. Do not fall over”. You get the idea.

Whose idea was it to start codifying the most elementary and self-evident points of common sense and advertising them in ugly and patronising wall-hangings? What kind of people do they suppose we are?

Infants?

welcome to... *sigh* what's the point?

To begin, a definition from wikipedia, which is good:

"Weltschmerz (from the German, meaning world-pain or world-weariness, pronounced [ˈvɛltʃmɛɐ̯ts]) is a term coined by the German author Jean Paul and denotes the kind of feeling experienced by someone who understands that physical reality can never satisfy the demands of the mind. "

A foreign word to express an idea that has never really been properly acknowledged in english vocabulary. Like savoir-faire, but gloomier.

The observant reader (that's you) will have noticed that I misspelt weltschmerz in the title (you didn't notice, did you? That's okay. We'll pretend you did). I could easily claim that this was a deliberate mistake - who would know otherwise?

But it wasn't. It was a dumb mistake. Which just goes to show.
I thought about calling the blog The Good, The Bad and The Stupid but... I didn't.

But that's what it is. An irregular and haphazard look at some things in life that are good (e.g. wikipedia), some that are bad (e.g. Marco Pierre White) and some that are stupid (tbc).

Why? Who knows.