Here at Fibb, Porcquian Croque Advertising, there's a sign in the lav explaining, with dreary utilitarian NHS style illustrations, how to wash our hands.

Apparently, here's how you do it:

Wet

Soap

Wash

Rinse

Turn off tap

Dry

For further detail, see the following diagram:

Are we clear now?

The five step program to washing your hands. How to navigate the complex and difficult journey from soiled hands to spotless, blameless hands, with illustrated step-by-step instructions to keep your hands fresh, fragrant and germ-free.

The average age here at FBC is around 29, I think. (And yes, they do all call me gramps). Most of us have a degree, some even in a worthwhile discipline. Some of us have travelled the world, raised children, acquired property and paid the contingent mortgages. We drive cars and ride bicycles (without training wheels); we handle sharp knives in our kitchens.  One misguided fool even serves on his parish council, but not with a sharp knife.

I’ve asked around, and so far as I can gather, everyone here knows how to wash their hands.

When did they start putting these signs up? Who makes them? Has someone discovered that the reason why some people don’t wash their hands after they go to the lav is that they don’t know how?

Come to think of it, why are there also signs next to the hot tap at the washbasins – big, bright yellow signs, you can’t miss them. “CAUTION. HOT”.   Again, I did the research, and it turns out that not a single person in the agency has given themselves an ouchie from a hot tap in recent years. Is this a sign that the signs are doing their job?

 Should there not, by the same logic, also be a sign saying “Do Not Drown”? And another by the door saying: “to avoid injury, please ensure your fingers are clear of the door jamb before closing”? “Caution: hard floor surface. Do not fall over”. You get the idea.

Whose idea was it to start codifying the most elementary and self-evident points of common sense and advertising them in ugly and patronising wall-hangings? What kind of people do they suppose we are?

Infants?